.Monday, May 7, 2007 ' 9:10 PM Y
*Aching* my body is aching... Because...
I have just walked all the way back home from Choa Chu Kang to Bukit Panjang which took me 1 hour to complete the journey. I have been so sad cum angry cum moody, all because of tan say lin. Sometime i really feels that a relationship will turn plain and dull after many years down the road..
Things will change after some time.
I have always been thinking back the time when we are in our secondary school, the time when i got the most attention from him, the most care, pamper, love and concern from him. But now it seems different, when i told him i am moody, he did take the initiative to find me, but of course i am paiseh to say ok lo, u come find me, just because of a small thingy. And so i replied: "Its ok, no need to find me." And he dunno is toot or wad, and he really says:"OK."
And i wondered his "OK" izzit mean that he is relieved that i said no need find me.. So he dun need to waste his time travelling? Sometime i felt that although we have been together for 4 years, but he dunno me well at all, if he knows me well he should know what i am thinking...
At that moment, i felt so depressed, i want someone who will be there for me, who will anxious of me, and told me that he is worry and must find me. But what i am imaging always come out opposite.
I felt that our relationship is so robotic and DEAD. Because every week we will plan which 2 days to go out, and die die we will go out that two days only. Like today i wanted to find him, because i am released early from my work, but he din reply me at all, and when he replied me, he has already reached HOME!!! I wonder why can't him be flexible? I could take the initiative to find him, but why can't he?
He always replied me by saying:"
Aiyah, Wednesday we can go out liao ma..."
But can't our date be more flexible??? Why the 2 days go out, means the 2 days ONLY??? Felt really sad...
I envy my friends, their bf will find them when miss them.. But my relationship is so "systematic", what i can describe it as is.. It seems like "programming" to me. 1 means 1 and 2 means 2, everything is planned nicely one.. it can't be changed.
And when he heard that i am depressed and i am walking from cck to panjang, he din even care to call me at all~!! Is phone bill really that expensive till he can't afford to give me a call??? Even for message also.. I din replied him, and he din reply me anymore.
If it's 4 years ago, he sure called, and asked me wheream i, in an anxious tone, but now i feel that he dun even care at all. No message and no call.
I wondered what is he thinking? Maybe he will think that he din change at all, but i can see the changes.. I dun feel myself important to him anymore.
Last time is he who wanted to catch my attention towards him, but now...
Is me who wanted to catch his attention.... By doing such silly things...
I know i am silly to walk and not taking train home, but only making myself tired, i can stop all the sadness...
But frankly speaking, walking is really a great way to relieve my stress and sadness sia..
The feeling is like there is an endless road in front of you, but you need to do is to continue to walk forward, without things on your mind, and once you are getting tired, your brain will feel the numb, and all the worries and sadness will slowly washed off.
In conclusion is... You are tired to think anymore...
And what you are concentrating is... To walk back HOME!
I know i am crazy...
But really i dun feel myself like a princess to him anymore, i no longer see his admired eyes looking at me anymore, i no longer received his worried phone calls anymore, i no longer see him kissing my forehead and hair anymore, i no longer see him waiting for me at my work place anymore.
I felt so so sian le..
Next thing which poped out in my mind is...
Should i continue this relationship, will this relationship blossom?
